The Last Chapter
In the year of our Lord, 2022, I am still dreaming.
Behind the wheel, Tawmi was stoic, and the only sound was humming wheels on smooth pavement. I looked in the backseat. Sidnee was asleep. Her baby mouth hung open as her tiny chest rose and fell with each unlabored breath. And Sterling, at last left to his thoughts, sat mesmerized by the scenery that hurtled past his window. At 80 miles per hour, the budding trees, fallow pastures, and grazing cows were a wash of watercolors across a broad canvas.
Tawmi gave me a quick sideways glance. “Do you have a bucket list?” she asked, “Is there anything else you want to do before you die?”
Her question took me by surprise.
Was there anything else I wanted? That same year, Noble and I celebrated thirty years of blessed marriage. I had just retired from an intellectually challenging career. And my children? They both had college degrees. Kris, from the University of Pennsylvania and Princeton, and Tawmi, from the University of Maryland. Both were putting their strengths to work in careers of their own and as parents, were handing down that dream to the next generation.
What else could I want?
Oh, I wanted to be successful in business. But was that my desire? It certainly wasn’t one of the five dreams I wanted from the beginning—I only went into business because God challenged me to. I knew I wasn’t obligated. I could have stayed on the sidelines cheering on others more talented than I. He would not have judged me for that.
So, I tried, and I don’t think I could have tried any harder with the resources at my disposal—my strengths, my weaknesses, the people in my support system. But I wasn’t successful. I didn’t sell hundreds of software subscriptions. I didn’t hire dozens of employees. No one asked me to be a guest on their podcast.
But I had fun.
In the thirteen years I was self-employed, I created so many wonderful things. It doesn’t matter that the world did not accept them. To my Father in Heaven, they were all beautiful, and have lasting spiritual value.
But now what?
That was my past. What is my future? If the struggle to be a business owner was God’s desire, does that mean my life is over? On bad days, it sure feels like it is—over. But there is one thing that keeps me reaching for tomorrow. My fifth dream of being a published author has still not come true, so when I answered Tawmi’s question about what’s on my bucket list, I told her I wanted to be a writer. And I write—a lot. I am still working on the novel the Lord inspired in 2019, and, of course, I am writing this memoir. Yet I am torn. The publishing industry has proved to be no kinder than the software industry. I am merely one of millions of want-to-be authors, no more special, and no more talented than the others. Do I want to invest the time, and tears, into writing like I did with my business? What if this too comes to nothing? What if I spend the next decades writing books that no one wants to publish? Or worse, books that no one wants to read.
Wouldn’t it be easier to sit down and shut up?
This double-mindedness reminds me of the parable of the talents. In it, a man distributed his wealth to his stewards according to their ability. To one, he gave five talents. To another, he gave two, and to still another, he gave one. The one who had five worked hard and made five more. The one who had two made two more, but the one with one talent hid theirs in the ground because they were afraid. What were they afraid of? Failure? Perhaps. But is fear of failure deserving of exile into the darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth? More likely, they believed efforts to increase their talent would go without reward, and any increase would go to a man who did nothing to gain it. He was already rich. Why make him richer?
Most of the people who came to hear Jesus teach had experienced oppression in some of its harshest forms. Their culture had been under the thumb of tyrannical regimes for hundreds of years. First, it was the Assyrians. Then it was the Babylonians, the Persians, the Greeks, and finally, the Romans. They were poor. No. They were destitute. Why use what little they had left to make Rome richer?
The parable was definitely for them, but it is also for us, because empires still exist, and most of the earth’s population faces oppression. Husbands abuse their wives. Organizations denigrate women. Influential men hoard resources, providing opportunities for others only like themselves.
But our Father owns everything and wants us to know he is for us. No matter what station of life we find ourselves in when we come to him—he is for us. So, no, I will not give up. I will press on, refusing to bury my one talent in the ground. Because I know my God, my master, is good, and no one can tell me otherwise.
He rewards those who diligently seek him.
Now, or in the kingdom that’s coming.
The Story So Far
I’m looking for Beta readers!!! Let me know if you are interested.
What’s Next?
Just in time for Black History Month, we will take another look at In Our Bones, the speculative African American novel God inspired me to write in 2019. The book was his gracious gift to me during an emotionally tough transition from businesswoman to retiree.
In Our Bones: Major Revision
The novel will be ready for Beta readers by the end of March.