Surprise me Lord! I am forever Your servant. Amen”
I was surprised by 2019, but not in good way. And not because some random white guy was mean to me. That would not have been shocking. What I didn’t expect was to spend the entire year questioning my identity and doubting my ability to hear God’s voice. Who wouldn't, though? Especially when a God-inspired dream turned out to be not true.
Did I make this whole story up? Is it a spectacular work of fiction that all began thirty years ago when a “w” mysteriously slipped under a line in my journal?
But my marriage dream came true.
So what? I’m an agreeable woman, and somewhat attractive. I only needed to choose the right spouse.
What about my dreams for college and career?
Anybody who believes they can—will. Returning to school and graduating was simply the presence of tenacious willpower. Obtaining advanced technical degrees during an information technology revolution allowed me to think for a living.
And my children’s education?
They were intelligent and driven learners—of course they would go to college. What could stop them?
I must confess; any sane, rational mind would deduce that repressed disappointments from my childhood and early adulthood created decades of hallucinations, visions of grandeur that set me apart as a favored one of God so my mind could survive in this hostile hell-scape we call Earth!
Our brains, our subconscious minds, are certainly capable of it.
My confusion only compounded after graduating from Bible school in May. During the ceremony, the pastor laid hands on me, as was custom. An emotional creature, I usually responded to such demonstrations with tears at the very least, but I didn't even cry. I stood there calmly listening to a pastor who had not so long ago declared to his congregation that all Democrats were evil. Yet the words he spoke over me were generous and kind. He praised me as an anointed worshipper and prophesied an out-of-the-box marketplace ministry where I would lead many to Christ.
That is not the future God promised me, though. He said I would come out of the marketplace in 2019. But I had to admit, my business wasn't flourishing like he said it would, either. The last time I got paid for my services was in the spring of 2017, the exact same time he revealed my name, Mishalariah. So what great fruit was he talking about? I didn't see anything that could overwhelmingly affect the lives of 100,000 people.
It had to be my fault. In the second half of 2018, I embraced a new brand, having no more patience for corporate leaders and their Agile programs that were simply transparent covers for their selfish ambitions.
I updated my LinkedIn description for Salt Consulting:
“As an experienced software development professional and coach, I seek to work for organizations that are excited about the prospect of focusing their people on their strengths and not their weaknesses. Are you looking for someone to join you in your quest to free your people to be their very best? I want to share that journey with you.”
I updated the website.
I left no room for misinterpretation. I valued people & their interactions over processes and tools, and I wasn't interested in working with clients who did not value the same things. It soon became clear, clients had no interest in working with me, either.
A non-profit colleague recommended me to an electronic medical records company. They dropped me like a hot potato right after the first call.
A software development consultancy sought me out via LinkedIn. I had coached one of their employees and knew it was a sweatshop, so I asked them to join my associates program that invited consultancies into the People First revolution. I never heard from them again.
Still another company asked for an in-person sales call. As soon as I walked into their building, I felt the dissonance—as if each soul within those walls was weeping and gnashing their teeth. About halfway through a meeting where I was mostly grilled by three handsome, ambitious managers, I knew. People First would not be welcome there. They were not interested in empowering their people. They were merely searching for ways to promote themselves. I abruptly, yet politely, ended the meeting, gathered my things, and left.
When it came time to submit my talk for the TechFest in June, I told the organizers it would be my last. I spoke at that conference every year for six years, and the seventh was time to say goodbye. I used the opportunity to promote my GetStrong(ER) App that sent encouraging strengths-based messages to team members via Slack.
I got the idea for GetStrong(ER) early on, but the feature did not survive successive rewrites. Back then, I did not have time to write 918 messages1, but in 2019, I did—have time, that is. Product development had slowed down to maintenance releases, so I created a free Open Community plan for anyone, anywhere, to identify their SDLC strengths and receive weekly encouragement. Then I crafted my presentation to reveal the value of self-awareness in the workplace. The title of the presentation was, "Know Thyself."2
Please. No more weeping and gnashing of teeth.
In 2018, when I gave a talk on “Integrating Slack,” there were about ten people in the audience. In 2019, it was standing room only. The venue was so packed that people had to stand in the hallway, pressing in at the door to listen. Even the three managers I had walked out on were there, sitting right in the center.
I smiled and began by comparing myself to the Oracle.
I told them how I once had a vision for living my dreams.
I told them how the vision became clearer after becoming aware of my strengths.
I told them that was the catalyst for the People First Empowerment Platform.
Then I demonstrated several GetStrong(ER) messages, showing what powerful motivators they could be if used consistently in the workplace.
For application architecture & Connectedness:
“There is a reason why good architecture exists. It doesn't happen by accident. Decisions made over time by different people with different backgrounds are all connected in a way only you can see. Help your teammates understand how the beauty (or destitution) of architecture is the result of everyday decisions.”
For system integrity and Restorative:
“Some sprints are stopped dead in their tracks due to defects that cannot be found and/or fixed. Until you come along, that is. The team is relying on your uncanny ability to bring order to chaos. You know you can, and you will.”
I invited the audience to sign up for the Open Community, telling them that my unique strengths made me the perfect advocate for them in their workplace.3
It was my best delivery—ever. I received a standing ovation and many, many personal congratulations at the end.
Over the next weeks and months, several users signed up, and I sent them messages every week until the end of the year. It was through Slack, so I don't know if the fruit of them was good. I only know that I would have loved getting messages like that.
As a motivated, yet novice, programmer in 1994, I had a talent for Ideation and cared about implementation, so I imagine getting a GetStrong(ER) message would have felt like that hiring manager telling me that I wrote beautiful code. That single statement propelled my career into the future I dreamed of. But I don't know if my users wanted to keep receiving messages, because when it was time to come out, I sent them all a goodbye message and left the platform for good. I released it out of my hand and gave it back to the Lord.
Well, it didn't go that smoothly. I'll let my final journal entries for 2019 tell the rest of this unbelievable story.
On September 30, 2019:
"Happy New Year!
It is Rosh Hashana and the first day of the year 5780, and the end of year 5 from my dream. I will wait until Oct 29 to determine whether or not this dream has been fulfilled and if not, whose fault it is—mine. Anyway. Last night, this am, I had a strange dream. Actually, I have been having a lot of strange dreams. This dream had some parts to remember. Someone, I went to their office, and they called me in and gave me a piece of paper with a phone number and name on it. They told me that I needed to contact them—a publisher. I walked away thinking, "why do I need a publisher?" But I found a phone, an old one with push button dialing, but I couldn't get the number right. [Name], a bible school classmate, came along to help and dialed the number for me. The phone connected. Someone answered. I asked for the person written on the paper. I don't remember the name now, but the person on the phone said the person was not available to take my call. I then informed them that I was calling by reference. I waited. They hung up. I was shocked, dismayed, disappointed but convinced I didn't need to make that call in the first place. Even though I came recommended by the king of the universe, I was still rejected. Surprise! They rejected Him too.
Oh, Lord, how much do I want to quit trying. I want to quit."
On October 6, 2019:
"Good morning, Lord!
I realize something this morning, these past few days. Nothing! Nothing can stop You from keeping Your promise. You make promises for the future knowing all, knowing whether I would be faithful, knowing whether I would faint, knowing whether I would arise each day in expectation. Lord, every day I arise in expectation. It is the end of the 5th year and You and I both know this. You promised that the fruit of the 5th year would be great, that it would be great enough to fill the storehouses of 100000! Father, I am waiting. And I know, nothing can stop You."
On October 21, 2019:
"The Feast of Tabernacles ended yesterday. 5779 is over. The celebrations have ended. The 5th year is over. 5780 has begun. The outcome of this year is no different than the 4 years before - nice.… And I wouldn't be sad except for the promise... So instead of being content, I feel like my life is caving in on me. Like I am collapsing. My head hurts and my eyes are filled with tears. Is it true You count our tears? I have spent the last five years focusing on today. And for what? Five years is a long time, Lord. It will take weeks to get over this disappointment. But if You slay me..."
On October 22, 2019:
"The day of Simchat Torah draws to a close as well. Well, this is it. It's over. There is no need to continue in expectation. What am I to do now? I would not be here if not for a dream. I would not be here if not for an interpretation. 5 years of my life have been invested—for what?
Lord, Lord. I know You had nothing to do with this. It is (was) my own delusions of grandeur. My own desire to be more than what I am.
What am I to do now? I am having an identity crisis."
On November 12, 2019:
“There is something odd on my work calendar. I don't remember how it got there but it says "Growth!!!" for Salt Productions & Salt Consulting. I did get 1 new GetStrong(ER) on-line sign-up today :-)
Maybe I got the timing wrong. Maybe the years are being counted from Nisan to Nisan and not Tishrei to Tishrei. If it's from Nisan to Nisan, we have until March/April of 2020 to fulfill the promise to me. I didn't start using the platform until March 2015. Is that when I dove in? When I actually used the platform for training and coaching? I could believe this if it is true. Is it true Lord? I cannot hear You.
I suppose it cannot hurt to push through until March. I still have the drive. I still have the desire. I just don't have any more funds. I have about $30 in my business account."
On December 17, 2019:
Thank You for the book idea, Lord. It satisfies my hunger. I have done so much work on it already. Getting the research done is fun. I'll be crying out to You when the writing starts :-)
This is what Beth Moore wrote on Twitter today @ 1:53 pm. 'Not seldom does God call us to letting go in order to ready us for an adding to. I don't say this lightly or tritely. It's hard. We want Him to do a new thing, but sentimentality has glued us to an old thing that's served its purpose. There comes a time when it's time to let go.'
Lord, it is so hard for me to let go of my dream. It is so hard to let go of technology/ computer science/ programming/ software development. It is so hard.
Even So, Come Out 2019"
And finally, on January 1, 2020, I wrote:
"Happy New Year!
I know, time has no boundaries for You. Except the boundaries You have set, Your Sabbaths, Your feasts. I do not expect anything to change just because this man-made marker has been reached. Yet, I did change. Before midnight, I updated both my LinkedIn and Twitter profiles to indicate a branding change. I closed out Salt Consulting and took down the People First & Salt on-line websites.
I am done. No longer will I seek to barter my services for money via Salt Consulting. And since the platform's purpose was to support my consulting, well, that's done then too. All done. Now what? I will take the rest of January to finish closing out my businesses.
And I will start writing my book."
If you have just joined us and are wondering what this story is about, start from the beginning. I promise it will all make sense.
34 (talents) x 9 (perspectives) x 3 (levels [motivated, accountable, mentor])
In The Matrix, when Oracle asks Neo if he thinks he is “The One”, he says he doesn’t know. In reply, she points to a sign in Latin that translates, “Know Thyself” saying, You are who you know you are (I summarize). Neo’s self-image was so radically different than who he actually was, he could not fathom it. He could not know it. But Oracle recognized his potential and gave him opportunities (i.e. adventures) that challenged him to discover the person she already knew he was.
I am an INFJ, the Advocate on 16 Personalities.